I’m dirty.


I never talked about this, I buried this story and promised to erase this from my memory.  No matter how much I wash, I can never feel clean. this is something I never thought i’d experienced, but it is not as uncommon as I was led to believe.

Recently, Someone dear to me confided that they are disgusting and that they want to kill themselves or that they need to be quarantined. They told me they don’t know what to do anymore and the they are dirty but I think it’s partially because we were always told that it’s our fault and I think it’s because the society force fed us into thinking if you get taken advantage of or raped ‘it is your fault.’ Regardless, Seeing them withdraw reminded me of what happened to me 6 years ago, in a peaceful starry night.

I barely knew myself back then, I was in college studying fashion. I remember my Professor instructed me on how to do patterns, how to play with colors and textile. That you can create and construct anything from your imagination. It can be from a folklore or 50’s inspired.

Being a lady gaga fan I always gravitated towards high fashion couture and monstersque style adorned with the spiky studs varying in sizes that I bought in juan luna street in divisoria. These monsters came in all size and forms and I would always be frightened of the sketches I make.

Until as traumatic as this may sound, I met a real monster. He didn’t roar, he didn’t have horns or sunken cheeks.. He didn’t breath fire or spit poison. He was quite beautiful actually, Statuesque, mascular and has a million dollar smile. He didn’t scare me or intimidate me, He didn’t even leave any marks.. He knew what he was doing. His tempting exterior was his bait, the palm of his hands and his downy smelling pillow was his weapons.

Many sexual assault survivor has many trouble with guilt, At first we were always convinced that it is our fault with what happened. What people don’t see is that it is hard to see our attackers as guilty or a monster, depending of course in the situation.

I thought maybe because I didn’t have bruises, or I wasn’t choke that it was my fault.. I should have yelled harder, I should have fought harder, I shouldn’t have frozen. But I did.

I didn’t realize the impact what happened to me up until years later. Whenever I think about it I get stuck in a staring contest of what’s in front of me at a time.. It’s like time stops and it gets back to his bed.  I was able to get through it by playing video games. more and more video games.

I did a little research and found out it is called ‘Post traumatic stress disorder’ that manifests in so many ways.


People often talk about ‘flight or fight’ response to this situation.. but in my case I think I flight.. I felt my mind vacating the premises. I felt my mind slowly slipping away from me and my body was as still as a corpse. I thought ‘I came in here with him, so I must have liked it, I must want it, It’s my fault’ he ignored my protest and forced his way inside of me and I just lied there until he was finished. I felt like something inside me died. I realized I didn’t want it.

I left and he kissed me goodbye, I didn’t have the strength to do anything else. I just went straight home. It felt like he pulled out something from me and my immediate response is to fill it with something else.


So, I played video games lots of it, and I went out with a lot of men because I was so guilty for putting myself in that situation, it’s like when a parent made their children cry so they compensate it with something more. I don’t remember a single face or a single name, I tried cover my trauma with a hundred gentle memories but it’s like a virus clawing it’s way out like a virus devouring a hardrive.


If  you are a sexual assault survivor and you are reading this, I’m still coping up to this day.. We’re probably never gonna forget about this and  I want to tell you that It’s Ok.. I Promise. you are not alone, I’m not alone, I promise you that talking about it will free you, that it’s no longer kept inside of you slowly killing your mind. It’s OK to cry and that it’s not your fault. And maybe even though we are never gonna fully clean..  Maybe we can all hold each other until it feels ok, until the memory doesn’t hurt us anymore. We can help each other feel clean again.

You are brave.

I root for you and I love you.






lorem ipsum dolor sit amet.


when I was young all I wanted for Christmas was the latest Gameboy and that I get to eat all the fried chicken I want because it’s the holiday.. No classes, lots of cookies and adults giving us kids presents.

But now that I’m 23 or should I say now that I am an adult.. Christmas just slowly fades for me, now it kinda just gives me that “Meh” kind of feeling. Sad, Very sad.

But I guess that’s human nature; always getting used to thing, whether it be relationship or your favorite perfume.. No matter how much you love it, it’ll worn out still.


Sad, Very sad.

Is it okay to feel that way? perhaps it is normal to feel that way. Perhaps when you are not happy in a certain place or time or things, you can always walk away from that place and try to figure out what you really want in life.


I don’t know man. I don’t think I know anything.


Sorry for this long random useless rant of mine.

23 years young.

In less than a few days I’ll turn 23 years old. and to be quite honest I’m not sure if I’m ready to be 23 but no one ever is..

I don’t want a long list of superficial things to ask for. Idealistic thoughts about having things that don’t really matter or a body I’ve been told to need (although, I still do want to get all the surgeries I’ve wanted since I was just a little kid.)

This year will be nothing but a journey of self-love and a journey of me accepting that somethings are just not meant to happen and some people might fall in love with you but not want to be with you.


Everyone asks me why I make a big deal about birthdays. Why I claim june as my birthday month. It’s because of someone who did once before. It’s because I was lucky enough to have someone show me the importance of me. It’s because she died; and the only other person who can ever show me the importance of me is me.

Happiness even when the sun sets.


I have always been obsessed with the sun setting into night fall, It made me feel something that I am not sure, something I used to be so uncomfortable with. It used to feel like an “ending” to me, and to me it was odd.

but lately I realized that every beginning as it’s ending and whether we like it or not it’s inevitable.. something always bound to happen.

to me Endings are always equivalent to sadness and being over, but maybe endings are here for us to start over, Like sunsets.. It’s beautiful.

But I finally get to know myself over the heartbreaks I’ve been through this year.

kylie jenner was right all along when she said

“2016 is the year where we realize things..”

so, now instead of regretting things, I’ll just be happy I get to experience it and be thankful it happened.

I’ll choose to be happy even when the movie I anticipated for almost a month to watch on the cinema finally rolled the credits.

I’ll choose to smile as I lose the game I’ve been training and been wanting to win for years now instead of being salty.


I’ll gladly admire from afar all the things that should have been mine but never did.. and it’s okay, I’ve been mad and sad for a very long time and I guess.. I grew Tired of it.


Life isn’t about Love.. Really.. It’s about Letting go, coping up and moving on.


I hope you guys stay happy.


sincerely yours, A.


Dad and Daydreams.


It’s 2:19 a.m (ph time) and I’m trying to hold my tears from falling as I think of my him and to be perfectly honest, I couldn’t think of a better timing to write this than now.. where all my thoughts are raw and just dancing harmonically with my emotions.

I didn’t know why I’ve always felt like I was abandoned by my parents..

I don’t know when I started to forgive you; or how I finished forgiving you. I think it may have been inbetween the daydreams of having my own daughter and the nightmares of being yours, but you’re still all I can talk about. The difference is that it’s now with a smile and I can’t remember when it started.

Was I ever a good daughter? What does it take to be one..


he never really needed to answer that.


..but it gets me thinking.. more like it gets me crying every time. Every fucking time.


I dreamed that one day we can have a walk in the beach just the two of us under the sunset and maybe tell me that you are proud of me..


I looked as pretty as my mother..

or that you wanted to see my walk down the isle or better yet walk me down the isle to the man I’d spend the rest of my life with and I’ll see your face glowing and with a smile I’d never forget and you engraved in your mind that you are happy that I finally found my happy ending..


A girl can dream right?


I hope one day you finally get to look me in the eye and tell me how much you love me and give me a hug I’ve been longing for years.

You raised me to understand that this world is cruel.

I am twenty-two, now: and there’s nothing for you to be frightened for.

I am twenty-two, now: and I became everything you fucking despised.

I am twenty-two, now: and you don’t know how to love me because you weren’t prepared for me to survive.


For all the wrong reason.

Sometimes my heart hurts so much my head sympathizes.

Remembering myself and how I used to be a couple of years ago..


5 years ago, I was desperately looking for love. “I am pretty now and guys notices me..” what could go wrong right?

4 years ago, I met the man I thought I was gonna spend my whole life with, which turned out to abuse me emotionally and eventually physically,

3 years ago, I finally gathered the strength to broke up with him, thinking about it now.. I wonder why I held on to something that was slowly killing me everyday. I held on to someone who made me feel like I was never good enough, made me feel like I’m in a competition.. Someone who made me feel scared to fall in love..


2 years ago, I woke up with 38 miss calls. I can still remember vividly from my memories the exact details..  He called me up once again to break me like a promise. He proposed to me, He knew my weakness was oh-so-majestic-happy-ever-fucking-after-fairytale-ending and so, he used it against me..

I slowly knew the kind of girl he wanted.. He wanted cool girl and for him I was willing to try.. I was FUCKING GAME.

I worked so hard.. I did shoots, I did web shows, I cosplayed, I did well in all the aspects he wanted..

I became affiliated with wargods and eventually becoming an ambassadress for mig.me

..and just now I realize how I changed and morphed into something I hated..

and the only question going on my fucking mind was.. “why did I fucking let this happened’

a year ago, He pulled out on our engagement..  I guess the jokes are on me once again, and after all the punches that felt like kisses and all the “sorry’s” that could have been “I love you’s”.  when will I ever learn.


It is hard.. to be single and alone but what’s more hard is to experiences false security of love because you were fucking desperate and deep down to you core you knew you deserved more but you are wiling to settle..

..being single can sometimes be lonely but trust me being single is way better than being stuck in relationship and having someone and still feeling alone.


xo, Alexa

Demon in Pink.

The hardest part I couldn’t seem to ever process in my life is that every beginning eventually has an ending.

It has been a conscious decision to start each friendship; each relationship–each surprised hello with the same surprised goodbye. ohh and if you are extra lucky there wouldn’t even be a goodbye.. just plain bye and never talking to that person ever again.

It’s like being in a conscious decision of starting morning knowing that night is bound to fall upon ending our day.


I am never good with goodbyes, or rather I’m am ridiculously terrible when it comes to it. I can’t seem to face someone who I just ended things with or ended things with me, I always act as if nothing happened on the hopes that maybe if I do so, then my brain will automatically delete it’s memory in my head and never reminding me of it


My coping mechanism was somehow lodged in the safety of the infinite beginnings I could no longer quantify. My coping mechanism was the selfish ideology that the pain is a necessary means to polarize the pleasure.

Everything is an excuse.

I end things before it ends me.

I broke up with people before they break up with me.

maybe, because I feel like if I did it first then It’ll hurt less.. It didn’t.


don’t want to know how I am with the possibility of breaking again. Of finding myself without a multitude of beginnings.

Of finding myself with a singular finale.

Of finding if I am strong enough to live my life not spread across pages of books I can’t remember the covers of.




A Little Alexa

Less than a year ago, I left a toxic relationship and even when it was over and I felt independent, I still clung
unto that affection that I perceived as if it is a validation for all of the effort I put into my life,
almost impossible to let go so quickly and it wasn’t until months later after making new friends and diving head first
into my passion, that I discovered how useless that entire relationship was.. why did I started? because I felt like I needed to.
but that’s not how it works.. and I understand that now.. nobody can set up their whole life..
it’s a tree higher than the sky with limitless branches and opportunities. Something will make you feel alive and happy just to find out that
it’s something that is never meant to be and even though in the beginning it felt so important.



So, All I can do is to implore to you to.. LOVE yourself, Watch yourself, take a picture! there’s no vanity.. there’s no wrong in that
why can’t you be pleased? why can’t you like what you see? why is it a bad thing? why does it anger so many people..

feel the skin on your body, the fat on your thighs or the slender curvature in your arms.. look at it and feel it and find something to love. because it’s there
and nobody has to point it out for you and it’s there for you to see.

your deep amber eyes or your long legs that stops men in their tracks or your warm white skin or the tiny little hairs on back of my neck
they are all things to love.. every piece of you and I can’t tell you to do that.. and I honestly wish you don’t expect me to. because it’s much more important
you tell it to yourself..
love yourself like I love myself and nothing can stop you..
I Hope you fall in love with the times you sat on the floor with your bestfriend eating sale cereal out of pyrex dishes
I hope you treasure the memories of showing someone your city, your home for the first time.
I pray that one day you will even be at peace with your hardships because you understand how it made you stronger.
I wish you become a force of change in this world that desperately needs it
I want for you to be happy with no materials in your hands.. just the company of friends..
I hope you trust yourself and your intuition more than your heart when it comes to other people..

and most of all I wish you love yourself.. Because I do. ❤

I still love him.




Sometimes I create in order to fill the void I feel inside, Maybe that is why it has been so long since I made something that I really love.

The love that I had to give was elsewhere..


But lately.. I feel like somehow it went back to me, and I really don’t know what it felt like, but it felt warm when I was holding it in my arms. So, I dropped it. And it scattered everywhere in me and it spread out on all the places I occupied.

..and my thoughts are “I couldn’t just leave it there.” So, I picked it up like a little infant crying because it’s hungry or a rare species of a bird that is badly injured and is crying for help. I took it and put it back where it was born..


It wanted to leave me again, but I won’t let it.. not again, not so soon.

I needed it. I needed it to create.

..and this time I’m willing to create with all my heart and soul.. not just some it. I needed all of it.

I looked at it dead in the eye and asked it in the most demanding way to stay..  More demanding than my emotions, As if that was possible.

to him, my mind was a poison, because he couldn’t kept himself in and not for the obvious reasons, but for the settled ones.. The ones that kept him up at night years and years ago.

But I still Love him. I love him. I love him despite everything. Even when I feel like I shouldn’t.. I paused just for the moment thinking ‘maybe it’s wise to feed on this’ maybe it will help me to keep on creating.. like I did years ago.

when my love was still whole, before I knew what it felt like to give it away.. and to wake up at night wondering what or how it was doing, before I lost my innocence and when I still saw the world as a field of opportunity..


but it’s mine again.. and I will keep it to myself, for myself and all to myself.




That girl




I’ve never been that girl.

That girl who comes out in a relationship and instantly finds herself in another.. effortlessly like it’s destiny..

I guess I’m never destined to be that girl.

that girl who never stops having people confessed their unyielding love for them.

that girl who can’t stop talking about how pretty they are.

that girl who can get a guy buy her a drink all in a smack of her patent leather soft lips and a little hair flip, effortlessly like it’s destiny..

I guess I’m never destined to be that girl

that girl who can flirt properly

that girl who puts her make up flawlessly

that girl who can post a picture in her instagram and not find a million insecurity lurking at the tips of her finger as she presses the share button..

and I know things shouldn’t define my femininity but they do.

I feel like the lack of male attention in this world is seen as an abnormality and less than womanly and I’m always force to ask myself what’s wrong with me?

maybe it’s because I was never destined to be that girl.

maybe it’s because I was destined to be something more..

That girl who just lives her life and love herself and doesn’t rely on male attention to make herself feel alright

that girl who knows what she wants and fights until it’s hers..

that girl that in the end of the day who just say FUCK IT.

I wanna be That girl.