For all the wrong reason.

Sometimes my heart hurts so much my head sympathizes.

Remembering myself and how I used to be a couple of years ago..

 

5 years ago, I was desperately looking for love. “I am pretty now and guys notices me..” what could go wrong right?

4 years ago, I met the man I thought I was gonna spend my whole life with, which turned out to abuse me emotionally and eventually physically,

3 years ago, I finally gathered the strength to broke up with him, thinking about it now.. I wonder why I held on to something that was slowly killing me everyday. I held on to someone who made me feel like I was never good enough, made me feel like I’m in a competition.. Someone who made me feel scared to fall in love..

 

2 years ago, I woke up with 38 miss calls. I can still remember vividly from my memories the exact details..  He called me up once again to break me like a promise. He proposed to me, He knew my weakness was oh-so-majestic-happy-ever-fucking-after-fairytale-ending and so, he used it against me..

I slowly knew the kind of girl he wanted.. He wanted cool girl and for him I was willing to try.. I was FUCKING GAME.

I worked so hard.. I did shoots, I did web shows, I cosplayed, I did well in all the aspects he wanted..

I became affiliated with wargods and eventually becoming an ambassadress for mig.me

..and just now I realize how I changed and morphed into something I hated..

and the only question going on my fucking mind was.. “why did I fucking let this happened’

a year ago, He pulled out on our engagement..  I guess the jokes are on me once again, and after all the punches that felt like kisses and all the “sorry’s” that could have been “I love you’s”.  when will I ever learn.

 

It is hard.. to be single and alone but what’s more hard is to experiences false security of love because you were fucking desperate and deep down to you core you knew you deserved more but you are wiling to settle..

..being single can sometimes be lonely but trust me being single is way better than being stuck in relationship and having someone and still feeling alone.

 

xo, Alexa

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Demon in Pink.

The hardest part I couldn’t seem to ever process in my life is that every beginning eventually has an ending.

It has been a conscious decision to start each friendship; each relationship–each surprised hello with the same surprised goodbye. ohh and if you are extra lucky there wouldn’t even be a goodbye.. just plain bye and never talking to that person ever again.

It’s like being in a conscious decision of starting morning knowing that night is bound to fall upon ending our day.

 

I am never good with goodbyes, or rather I’m am ridiculously terrible when it comes to it. I can’t seem to face someone who I just ended things with or ended things with me, I always act as if nothing happened on the hopes that maybe if I do so, then my brain will automatically delete it’s memory in my head and never reminding me of it

 

My coping mechanism was somehow lodged in the safety of the infinite beginnings I could no longer quantify. My coping mechanism was the selfish ideology that the pain is a necessary means to polarize the pleasure.

Everything is an excuse.

I end things before it ends me.

I broke up with people before they break up with me.

maybe, because I feel like if I did it first then It’ll hurt less.. It didn’t.

 

don’t want to know how I am with the possibility of breaking again. Of finding myself without a multitude of beginnings.

Of finding myself with a singular finale.

Of finding if I am strong enough to live my life not spread across pages of books I can’t remember the covers of.

 

 

 

A Little Alexa

Less than a year ago, I left a toxic relationship and even when it was over and I felt independent, I still clung
unto that affection that I perceived as if it is a validation for all of the effort I put into my life,
almost impossible to let go so quickly and it wasn’t until months later after making new friends and diving head first
into my passion, that I discovered how useless that entire relationship was.. why did I started? because I felt like I needed to.
but that’s not how it works.. and I understand that now.. nobody can set up their whole life..
it’s a tree higher than the sky with limitless branches and opportunities. Something will make you feel alive and happy just to find out that
it’s something that is never meant to be and even though in the beginning it felt so important.

015

 

So, All I can do is to implore to you to.. LOVE yourself, Watch yourself, take a picture! there’s no vanity.. there’s no wrong in that
why can’t you be pleased? why can’t you like what you see? why is it a bad thing? why does it anger so many people..

feel the skin on your body, the fat on your thighs or the slender curvature in your arms.. look at it and feel it and find something to love. because it’s there
and nobody has to point it out for you and it’s there for you to see.

your deep amber eyes or your long legs that stops men in their tracks or your warm white skin or the tiny little hairs on back of my neck
they are all things to love.. every piece of you and I can’t tell you to do that.. and I honestly wish you don’t expect me to. because it’s much more important
you tell it to yourself..
love yourself like I love myself and nothing can stop you..
I Hope you fall in love with the times you sat on the floor with your bestfriend eating sale cereal out of pyrex dishes
I hope you treasure the memories of showing someone your city, your home for the first time.
I pray that one day you will even be at peace with your hardships because you understand how it made you stronger.
I wish you become a force of change in this world that desperately needs it
I want for you to be happy with no materials in your hands.. just the company of friends..
I hope you trust yourself and your intuition more than your heart when it comes to other people..

and most of all I wish you love yourself.. Because I do. ❤