I still love him.

 

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Sometimes I create in order to fill the void I feel inside, Maybe that is why it has been so long since I made something that I really love.

The love that I had to give was elsewhere..

 

But lately.. I feel like somehow it went back to me, and I really don’t know what it felt like, but it felt warm when I was holding it in my arms. So, I dropped it. And it scattered everywhere in me andΒ it spread out on all the places I occupied.

..and my thoughts are “I couldn’t just leave it there.” So, I picked it up like a little infant crying because it’s hungry or a rare species of a bird that is badly injured and is crying for help. I took it and put it back where it was born..

 

It wanted to leave me again, but I won’t let it.. not again, not so soon.

I needed it. I needed it to create.

..and this time I’m willing to create with all my heart and soul.. not just some it. I needed all of it.

I looked at it dead in the eye and asked it in the most demanding way to stay.. Β More demanding than my emotions, As if that was possible.

to him, my mind was a poison, because he couldn’t kept himself in and not for the obvious reasons, but for the settled ones.. The ones that kept him up at night years and years ago.

But I still Love him. I love him. I love him despite everything. Even when I feel like I shouldn’t.. I paused just for the moment thinking ‘maybe it’s wise to feed on this’ maybe it will help me to keep on creating.. like I did years ago.

when my love was still whole, before I knew what it felt like to give it away.. and to wake up at night wondering what or how it was doing, before I lost my innocence andΒ when I still saw the world as a field of opportunity..

 

but it’s mine again.. and I will keep it to myself, for myself and all to myself.

 

 

 

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