I still love him.

 

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Sometimes I create in order to fill the void I feel inside, Maybe that is why it has been so long since I made something that I really love.

The love that I had to give was elsewhere..

 

But lately.. I feel like somehow it went back to me, and I really don’t know what it felt like, but it felt warm when I was holding it in my arms. So, I dropped it. And it scattered everywhere in me and it spread out on all the places I occupied.

..and my thoughts are “I couldn’t just leave it there.” So, I picked it up like a little infant crying because it’s hungry or a rare species of a bird that is badly injured and is crying for help. I took it and put it back where it was born..

 

It wanted to leave me again, but I won’t let it.. not again, not so soon.

I needed it. I needed it to create.

..and this time I’m willing to create with all my heart and soul.. not just some it. I needed all of it.

I looked at it dead in the eye and asked it in the most demanding way to stay..  More demanding than my emotions, As if that was possible.

to him, my mind was a poison, because he couldn’t kept himself in and not for the obvious reasons, but for the settled ones.. The ones that kept him up at night years and years ago.

But I still Love him. I love him. I love him despite everything. Even when I feel like I shouldn’t.. I paused just for the moment thinking ‘maybe it’s wise to feed on this’ maybe it will help me to keep on creating.. like I did years ago.

when my love was still whole, before I knew what it felt like to give it away.. and to wake up at night wondering what or how it was doing, before I lost my innocence and when I still saw the world as a field of opportunity..

 

but it’s mine again.. and I will keep it to myself, for myself and all to myself.

 

 

 

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