I still love him.

 

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Sometimes I create in order to fill the void I feel inside, Maybe that is why it has been so long since I made something that I really love.

The love that I had to give was elsewhere..

 

But lately.. I feel like somehow it went back to me, and I really don’t know what it felt like, but it felt warm when I was holding it in my arms. So, I dropped it. And it scattered everywhere in me and it spread out on all the places I occupied.

..and my thoughts are “I couldn’t just leave it there.” So, I picked it up like a little infant crying because it’s hungry or a rare species of a bird that is badly injured and is crying for help. I took it and put it back where it was born..

 

It wanted to leave me again, but I won’t let it.. not again, not so soon.

I needed it. I needed it to create.

..and this time I’m willing to create with all my heart and soul.. not just some it. I needed all of it.

I looked at it dead in the eye and asked it in the most demanding way to stay..  More demanding than my emotions, As if that was possible.

to him, my mind was a poison, because he couldn’t kept himself in and not for the obvious reasons, but for the settled ones.. The ones that kept him up at night years and years ago.

But I still Love him. I love him. I love him despite everything. Even when I feel like I shouldn’t.. I paused just for the moment thinking ‘maybe it’s wise to feed on this’ maybe it will help me to keep on creating.. like I did years ago.

when my love was still whole, before I knew what it felt like to give it away.. and to wake up at night wondering what or how it was doing, before I lost my innocence and when I still saw the world as a field of opportunity..

 

but it’s mine again.. and I will keep it to myself, for myself and all to myself.

 

 

 

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That girl

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I’ve never been that girl.

That girl who comes out in a relationship and instantly finds herself in another.. effortlessly like it’s destiny..

I guess I’m never destined to be that girl.

that girl who never stops having people confessed their unyielding love for them.

that girl who can’t stop talking about how pretty they are.

that girl who can get a guy buy her a drink all in a smack of her patent leather soft lips and a little hair flip, effortlessly like it’s destiny..

I guess I’m never destined to be that girl

that girl who can flirt properly

that girl who puts her make up flawlessly

that girl who can post a picture in her instagram and not find a million insecurity lurking at the tips of her finger as she presses the share button..

and I know things shouldn’t define my femininity but they do.

I feel like the lack of male attention in this world is seen as an abnormality and less than womanly and I’m always force to ask myself what’s wrong with me?

maybe it’s because I was never destined to be that girl.

maybe it’s because I was destined to be something more..

That girl who just lives her life and love herself and doesn’t rely on male attention to make herself feel alright

that girl who knows what she wants and fights until it’s hers..

that girl that in the end of the day who just say FUCK IT.

I wanna be That girl.

 

 

 

Clean.

 

Every time we are put to the test; into a situation that seems so hopeless or when you feel like you are being set up to lose..  Us humans has this attitude of always focusing on the negative things (I know I do.. ) as if we fell into this abyss and it’s impossible to climb your way out.

But there’s always a way out, there’s always hope and sometimes you just have to hit harder to give things a little crack to let the light find it’s way. “It ain’t easy but it’s possible” is what I always tell myself.

In a raging storm we only tends to see the hardships, the struggles and the things that scares us.. but little do we realize that the storm is something we needed in life for us to be stronger and little do people know.. that storm that felt like destroyed us; it might have destroyed us but it also made us…. CLEAN.